I don’t really
know how to start this.
I guess I just do
my best.
I want to tell you
this because it matters. It’s important. It’s not the easiest topic to talk
about, I get that. A lot of people don’t like talking about it at all. But I
think they just don’t understand. So I want to try to remedy that. I’ll try to
make sense.
I have anxiety.
I’ve always been socially awkward, ever since I was a little kid. Making
friends was difficult. I’ve also always been a little OCD. That’s not the same
thing as being a neat-freak, so don’t get confused. I’m actually a very messy
person. My room is filled with scraps of paper harvested over years of writing
and reading and drawing. I lose stuff under piles of knick-knacks that I’ve
been saving since third grade. I trip over textbooks and shoes strewn about the
hardwood floor. So I’m not a neat-freak. I’m just a habitual person. I hate,
and sometimes can’t handle, when my schedule is changed. That means things like
pep rallies, two-hour delays, SOLs, and snow days are hard for me. I have to
set my combination lock back to zero before I can walk away from my locker. And
that’s not even all of it.
Like I said, I’ve
always been socially awkward. I’m not able to deal with small talk,
introductions, talking on a cell phone, or group projects the same way that you
probably can. I have trouble communicating, which is why I write. Things I say
don’t always come out right. It can seem blunt, cold, sarcastic, or mean. I
have an odd sense of humor, and that can be off-putting for people. A lot of
that aspect of my life has improved since joining the Writing Center. I’m
slowly improving my ability to express my ideas in a way that makes sense to
people and doesn’t isolate me from everyone else.
That doesn’t mean
I’m not still isolated. It’s much the opposite, actually. I let conversations
flow around me, but I hold off from contributing. I watch Netflix and scroll
through Twitter just like everyone else, but I’m still not able to talk about
the Gilmore Girls revival or Donald Trump with them. Sometimes, I can smile and
nod along. Rarely, I make a short comment that is heard, replied to, and
promptly forgotten. And that’s okay.
However, my
anxiety has also gotten worse. In recent months, my ability to talk to people
has deteriorated. If I have a panic attack, my chest gets tight and I have a
more difficult time breathing. I cry. A lot. I don’t care enough about myself.
I let school weigh me down, causing late nights working and more stress. I had
to push through fierce battles with people that betrayed my friendship and my
emotions. In the battle against the universe, I found myself struggling to win.
The worst part
was, I was mostly alone. People who used to help me gone. My older sister was
off at school, not able to come home and comfort me. My old friends had stopped
talking to me. My parents didn’t know, mostly because I was too ashamed to tell
them, too afraid.
It got worse. I
couldn’t control my personal struggle anymore, and I didn’t want my life to
deteriorate. So I told my mom. I could tell she was hurt that I hadn’t told her
sooner, but it’s not like it was her fault. It was mine. How could I be
expected to tell her about this terrible monster that left me weak, tired, and
miserable? A monster that wasn’t even medically diagnosed? In my head, telling
her would be a submission to the beast, a confession that I am sick and unable
to take care of myself. I didn’t want to be weak.
But she’s a mom.
It’s her job to love me, no matter how weak I am at a point in my life. And
love me she did. She did her best to understand, and I did my best to explain.
But let’s look back at my inability to communicate. I also have a hard time
processing what other people are trying to convey. I assume everyone is just
really, really mad at me, and either hiding it or showing it. She was really
just frustrated that she couldn’t understand what I was going through.
We had a lot of
discussions, and piece by piece, I was able to explain exactly what I go
through on a daily basis. I’m not going to explain all of that to you because
it took a really long time, some of the comparisons are odd or confusing,
there’s a lot to explain, and not all of it is your business. I mean that with
no offense. You have your troubles, and I have mine. Long story short, living
my daily life is hard, so we scheduled an appointment to see if a doctor could
make it any easier. Ironically, as the days crawled towards my appointment, I
was actually more anxious because of my inability to communicate and my
tendency to cry.
The nurses were
nice. The doctor was trying. She clearly didn’t like teenagers, and I clearly
didn’t want to be there. What they don’t tell you is the questions you’re asked
are mostly just to make sure you aren’t dying. I went to the lab to get my
blood drawn. I’m scared of needles, so I’ll just let you imagine how that went.
There are follow-up appointments to be had, results to be analyzed, and
treatment to be decided upon. I’m not really going to explain any of that
either. I’ll just say that the doctors have ways to help people in my
situation, and they’re going to pick whichever one they think is best. Right
now, I’m mostly just waiting.
My life didn’t
change when the world found out. Nothing is different now that adults know. I
guess that I became closer to one of my newer friends. He bought me gifts after
my first appointment because he wanted to help and didn’t know how. I explained
everything to him, and I guess he was sad that I hadn’t really told him sooner.
He let me stay up talking until one in the morning. I appreciate people like
that.
Getting the help
you need takes courage. I wrote on the Courage Wall, hoping to get some. That
wasn’t all it took, though. The movies Little Miss Sunshine and The Way Way
Back helped a lot. So did the book Perks of Being a Wallflower. I also read the
book Tease, which I think is a very insightful look at bullying in school and
how important it is to get help. Most importantly was the novel It’s Kind of a
Funny Story. That’s a book I hold very near and dear to me. It’s one of those
powerful stories that everyone should read because it matters and it will
really be eye-opening for a lot of people.
However, those
movies and books aren’t substitutes for real people that can be here for me. I
learned that the hard way. If you need help, you have to get help. There is
always someone out there who cares about you.
I didn’t write
this for pity. I didn’t write this to make a statement. This isn’t even one of
those “there’s someone else out there” situations. We’re all different. What I
go through will never be exactly like what you go through.
I wrote this for
myself. Some things need to be written down, and for me, this was one of them.
This isn’t the full story, but this is the closest I’ll get to writing it and
sharing it with people other than myself. I can’t communicate well, but this is
the forum in which I flourish. This isn’t my best work, nor is it my worst
work. But it is my most important work. I need to be okay again. I’m doing my
best. And I hope you’re okay too. Just do your best. That’s all anyone can ask
of you. If you feel like you don’t have anyone that cares about you, I’ll be
that person. I care about you. You need to care about you, too. Get help if you
need help, please. I did. I’m not better, but I am on my way. The universe is a
funny thing. It’ll stack all odds against you, but in the end, you’ll still
win. The stars are rooting for you. Look up and you’ll see them shining back at
you.
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