I always knew what the goal was.
Freshman year, a hazy dream of a forgotten image. Any sheet of
paper could have resembled it. Only the first words on the page mattered: “We
are pleased to inform you.” Confirmation of my own worthiness to occupy the
space I wanted for myself.
Sophomore year, the dream slipped alongside my grades, chemistry
exams dragging at my future like nails on a chalkboard filled with incomprehensible
formulas. Doubt curled into the gaps left by a college-age sister, the bed
beside mine filled with warning.
Junior year, everyone started asking about it. It’s
hard not to question something you keep having to explain to
people. Why do you want to go?
Don’t you want to be farther away? Wouldn’t you rather make your own path? One after another. The dream became a weight to
carry, to clutch tighter than the snarl of expectations around my neck.
Senior year, I actually had to do something about it.
I pulled the essays out of my chest like shards of bone, baring
myself for judgement and bowing my head under the gaze of something greater.
Carefully crafted sentences became dust under my fingertips as I imagined them
under someone else’s scrutiny; there is no rubric for being the kind of person
a roommate will put up with.
The interview was agony, the wait was torture. The strain of it
all blended together until individual facets of it were indistinguishable from
one another. Why bother to count them all when you could just lie back and be
crushed under their weight?
We are pleased to inform you. The key to salvation.
In the end, none of it was how I imagined. I was not at home,
surrounded by my family. I did not break the seal on the envelope. Not even the
words were right.
I was in a hallway, struggling to keep my voice down for the sake
of the passersby. I was on the phone, struggling to hear my mother’s voice over
the sound of my own hummingbird heartbeat. When the moment broke, I was surrounded
by my family, but not one bound to me by blood.
“It gives me great pleasure to inform you.” That was the opening.
It wasn’t what I was looking for.
But as I fought air back into my hollow lungs,
A four-year-long noose sliding off my neck,
A floodlight suddenly visible at the end of the tunnel, illuminating the way ahead--
It was exactly what I’d wanted.
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