"The AP Test" by Lavender Li

Welcome to your first AP test. I will be your proctor. Don’t be nervous; you have just been preparing the entire year for this three hour block. I hope all of you are well. Listen carefully to these instructions. If you do not obey each and every one, you will be disqualified.

Did you eat something? If you did, great. You are going to be well nourished and ready to take the test. Your brain needs food to function properly.  If you did not, great. There is less of a chance of throwing up and disrupting the testing environment.

Do you have all your pencils? They must be yellow, number two pencils. No, not that shade of yellow, the other shade. You are disqualified. No, not a number one pencil, only number two. You are disqualified. It is important to have the right pencils to complete this test. Us AP people are very specific.

Did you put your phone in your locker? I hope you did because phones are a very serious testing violation. If you are found with a phone, the entire room will be disqualified. Do not be that person. If that happens, everyone sitting in this very gym will hate you because their tests will not be accepted.  

Do you have your pens for the essays? You may only use blue or black ink. Do not switch the colors in your essays. Do not even think about using a red pen. If your pen runs out of ink halfway through the test, I hope you have another one. If not, there is nothing I can do for you. Your test is over.  

Do you have your photo i.d.? A driver's license will suffice. I hope your pictures are good. If we cannot tell the picture is you, you will be disqualified. I’m sorry, rules are rules. A proctor will be around shortly to examine your ID. Have it out on your table.  

Did you learn anything this year? Was your teacher good? Do you even remember a minute of the class? This late in the year, I cannot do anything for you; it’s all on you. All the hours, days, and months have led up to this very moment. My only piece of advice; don’t screw up and when in doubt, pick “C”.

At this point, you may open your test booklet and silently freak out. Do not cry as that would disrupt the testing environment. Be sure to fully bubble in your answer and keep an eye on the clock. You will not be permitted any more time. Breathe in and out as you pick up your pencil and you may begin.